Currently, I'm sprawled out on my bed reading posts I've never published, and writing strangely deep paragraphs about life. Every draft I've written has never made it to the real world because it has no meaning. It has no spark, no passion put into it. That's why I haven't been blogging recently. I had no ideas or motivation to write something worth reading. Maybe it's because I've just finished reading Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell, but there's something inside of me that's clicked. Recently I've felt like breaking out of my shell. It's like I've been holding myself back for so long now. Everyone knows that feeling. But I want to do something about it. I want to gain that confidence back. So 2016 marks the year where I will actually work on having a proper blog. No random posts with months in between. It's my challenge. Gosh, that does sound cheesy, doesn't it?
So, in the spirit of Fangirl's Cather, I decided to write something. Yes it's quite strange, but hey, this is a post of random thoughts, right? Anything can be thought of.
I sat there on my grandparent’s lived-in couch, sandwiched between my aunt and my mom, just taking in my obnoxious, talkative family. We’ve all grown up so much. It seems like just yesterday I, the youngest of the bunch, was sitting on the floor playing Goblet with my oldest cousin. Now he has a baby of his own and I’m no longer a youngster. There’s always a group of relatives focusing on my newest cousin. Currently, it’s my aunt, grandma, and cousin-in-law, watching as the toddler stumbles and teases us with her new toys, all the while screaming shouts of laughter. So much has changed so quickly and I didn’t realize it until now. That’s life though, it truly does pass in the blink of an eye. I move my attention to my left. My aunt is rehashing her trip to Israel that she took with my favorite college. My mom's, dad's, and cousin’s attention is solely focused on her. I’m only half-listening; my thoughts have become preoccupied with college. The ex-youngest is now weighing her options, caught between the almost-perfect, the affordable and comforting, and the just-out-of-reach. It’s a constant battlefield in my brain. At times there is a clear winner, but then one of the others makes a comeback- a valiant effort to defeat the additional contenders. But those are thoughts for another day. Now it’s time to celebrate Christmas. My eyes drift to my brother and my second youngest cousin; they’re desperately trying to work the new-and-improved View Master. It’s no use. They’ve been at it for what seems like hours. McDonald’s Happy meals immediately pop into my head. Memories of pre-packaged toys and stuffed animals come flooding back. Polly Pockets, the Jungle Book 2, princess figurines, you name it, my brother and I probably had it. Drinks. Happy meals came with drinks, didn’t they? A question that once seemed trivial now seems impossible to answer. The rest of the family- my dad, uncle, and grandpa- are occupied with their drinks. Grandpa sips on the coffee that never leaves his hands- now it’s like blood in his veins, an addicting drug. I don’t remember the last time I saw him when he didn’t have a mug of the liquid attached to his palm. My dad and uncle are having small glasses of a minty melted-ice-cream-looking rum drink. It’s on the rocks, apparently that’s the way to have it (or so my dad tells me). They are dissecting the football team’s latest loss- today’s loss, it's still fresh in their minds. The running joke would be the miniscule string of game highlights the local sports networks will play. Then there’s me. Sitting, thinking, listening, observing. My normal habits. As much as I like being surrounded my outgoing, outspoken people, I have yet to find my voice. It’s buried somewhere deep inside my muscles and bones. Where do I fit into this family? This life? I’d sure like to know.
"Don't think about what can happen in a month. Don't think about what can happen in a year. Focus on the 24 hours in front of you and do what you can to get closer to where you want to be."